Almost everybody (that I know) loves Disney to death. But even the most die-hard fans will no doubt agree that there is at least one movie or two out there that doesn't quite meet expectations. In the words of good old Jiminy Cricket, "Well, you can't please everybody."
On the other hand, some movies, for one reason or another, never lose their magic at all.
Obviously, this is nothing more than my personal opinion, so you're more than welcome to agree or disagree. Still, I will try to provide you with a few valid reasons as to why I like (or dislike) the movie the way I do.
Okay, we'll start at the bottom of the barrel, with the five Disney flicks that totally turned me off.
#1. Mulan II
Remember the Dark Age of Disney Sequels? To be fair, not all of the direct-to-video sequels were that bad, though most definitely paled in comparison to their predecessors.
But I have to say this was the absolute worst of the lot.
Nothing about this movie turned me on. The animation was okay but nothing like the sleek animation in the first film, the songs were cheesier than an eight-cheese pizza, the pacing of the story was terrible (some scenes dragged on for too long, while others were too rushed), and I couldn't take any of the characters seriously. Mushu, while tolerable in the first movie, was downright insufferable in this, and even Shang was made into a laughingstock.
Even the ending was bad; everything was resolved just like that, just because somebody said so, regardless of who actually had the authority in the first place.
The only scene I honestly liked was the one where Mulan and Shang are hanging on for dear life from a broken bridge, and Shang sacrifices himself to save Mulan. Naturally, we know that Shang will make it, but Mulan's reaction to his "death" is pretty gut-wrenching. The sounds of the actress's crying were very convincing.
If only the rest of the movie could have had that kind of quality...but alas, 'twas not to be.
#2. The Lion King 1½
When this first came out, he yakked non-stop about buying his own copy, and when my parents finally gave in and gave him the tape, he played it at least 50 flippin' times a day, every flippin' day! He would even do what Timon and Pumbaa did at the very end, and rewind the whole thing and start all over again!
It's also thanks to this movie that I went from merely disliking Timon and Pumbaa to outright loathing them.
I didn't like how they made this story all about them, as if they hadn't gotten enough of the limelight from their TV series a few years earlier. I didn't care to see how they "fit in" with the original story, how they were "really there the whole time."
But what truly gets under my skin is how they made the "Circle of Life" sequence, a pretty powerful and epic scene that even I stand in awe of, into a full-scale joke. Pumbaa has his little "problem" with the animals in the back row, and the other animals assume that the back row is already bowing before the new king, so they go, "Oh, we'd better bow, too!" And way up at the front, Zazu and Mufasa marvel at this grand display of obeisance.
I mean, SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!? Ugh, I'm already seeing red just thinking about it.
One of these days, I may end up buying my own copy of the first Lion King for keeps. But I will never touch this movie (again) with a 39-and-a-half-foot pole.
#3. The Emperor's New Groove
Possibly the only movie in the official animated canon that did NOT impress me. Yeah, I'll admit it's rather funny and it does have some redeeming factors, like Pacha and Kronk, and even Yzma has her golden moments.
But this would have to be the only Disney movie where I care next to nothing for the main protagonist. Kuzco is, to put it bluntly, a royal pain in the butt. Sure, his character development is crucial to the story, and he's supposed to add to some of the comic relief. For all that, he just gets on my nerves and I don't feel sorry for him at all when he becomes a llama and ends up alienating the one person who actually cares about him and his safety.
I almost wished that Pacha had left Kuzco to himself in the wilderness. Of course, it highlights the goodness of Pacha's character when he comes after the little royal brat after all. Even so, I feel like Pacha came back a little too soon and forgave Kuzco a tad too easily.
I almost wished that Pacha had left Kuzco to himself in the wilderness. Of course, it highlights the goodness of Pacha's character when he comes after the little royal brat after all. Even so, I feel like Pacha came back a little too soon and forgave Kuzco a tad too easily.
#4. The Lion King II: Simba's Pride
Sensing a bit of TLK hate from me, are you? Well, while this one is definitely more preferable to the "one-and-a-half" soft soap, I wouldn't settle down to this with a bowl of popcorn and a six-pack of Dr. Pepper.
Timon and Pumbaa are more annoying than they are helpful, Kiara is a bit of a brat, but I'd have to say it's Simba who alienates me more than anything. He is—for lack of a better word—a jerk. I didn't care much for him in the first movie, but in this one, I wanted to tear off his tail, tie it into a quadruple knot, and shove the whole thing down his throat and watch him gag.
Timon and Pumbaa are more annoying than they are helpful, Kiara is a bit of a brat, but I'd have to say it's Simba who alienates me more than anything. He is—for lack of a better word—a jerk. I didn't care much for him in the first movie, but in this one, I wanted to tear off his tail, tie it into a quadruple knot, and shove the whole thing down his throat and watch him gag.
For one thing, there's his treatment of his daughter. I could understand it if he was given a truly valid reason for being worried for her safety, like if Zira had once threatened her life or he'd already lost a cub before. But nope, he just views Kiara as a perpetually dainty, helpless little thing who's lucky if she's able to place one paw in front of the other.
He's like that even in The Lion Guard, where he's given a son as well (I wish they had made Kion his grandson instead), but he's nowhere half as anxious for his son's welfare as he is for his daughter's. This almost comes off as sheer misogyny to me, which puts a very sour taste in my mouth.
I also despise Simba's treatment of Kovu. Yes, Kovu was once trained to become Simba's assassin, but Kovu did have a change of heart and I feel Simba was very unfair to him. When Kiara told him, "You will never be Mufasa," I felt she was being too nice about that, and when Simba finally conceded in the end, "I was wrong," I could only think, "Well, it took you long enough!"
So yeah, if I ever own anything TLK in the future, I don't see anything more than the first film on my shelf.
#5. The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea
What rubs me the wrong way is the girl's attitude. To me, she's nothing more than a whiny little brat with a "woe is me" mentality. It's somewhat justified, given how the other kids in the palace pick on her on a regular basis and her parents strive to protect her to the point of smothering her. But Melody is just not so endearing to me, and I don't appreciate how Ariel basically repeats her own father's actions from the first movie. Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, huh, Ariel?
Besides that, the animation is pretty slipshod, the humor doesn't tickle my funny bone, the characters are a lot more bland (Morgana's got no dip on Ursula), the songs suck (if you'll pardon my language), and overall, I don't get the same kind of vibe.
But if I may be honest, it is kind of nice to see Flounder all grown up with a herd of guppies of his own, and how King Triton reacts to being a grandfather even if he is cut off from his granddaughter for the bulk of her life.
Now that I've got that less-than-ideal list out of the way, time to list the five movies that have irretrievably stolen my heart.
#1. The Hunchback of Notre Dame
I already mentioned in an earlier blog why I love this movie so much, but I will say again that everything is fantastic: the animation, the characters, the music, the overall story. Sure, it's a far cry from Victor Hugo's classic novel, but I don't care.
Sadly, they don't make movies like this anymore. Pity.
#2. Pinocchio
What better word can I use to describe Pinocchio other than "magical"? It enthralled me as a kid, and it enthralls me as an adult. The gags still make me laugh. Jiminy still has some of the best dialogue. The scene with Monstro still gets my adrenaline pumping. The relationship between Geppetto and Pinocchio still warms the cockles of my heart. Most importantly, I still get pleasant chills whenever I hear "When You Wish Upon a Star."
I even wrote my own Pinocchio fanfic with my own character, Terence, called "The Guardian." After eight years, it remains my most popular story with the most (and most glowing) reviews.
The Guardian
#3. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
I'm hard-pressed to find the appropriate words to describe this movie. All I can tell you is that this is one of those movies you've got to see at least once in your life. It was a tremendous leap of faith for Disney, and the ripple effect continues to expand and inspire. Where would all the other movies we know and love be had it not been for this one?
Probably the words that offer the most justice come from the mouth of the head executive of a bank from which Disney sought a much-needed loan to finish the big project: "Gentlemen, in fifty years' time, nobody will remember the names of any of the people in this room. But they will remember the name 'Walt Disney.' I'm in."
A prophecy come true if I ever heard one.
#4. The Little Mermaid
Another movie with significant impact, the jumpstart to the Disney Renaissance of the '90s. Once again, I find myself struggling to explain why this movie is so awesome, why it means so much to me as an individual. I guess I can only say, "You have to see it to believe it."
Granted, not everyone is nuts about this movie, especially these days. One of my best buddies does not care for Ariel at all, and I can kind of see why and I can't judge my friend too harshly.
All the same, this movie holds a special place in my heart. Even if I wasn't such a fan, there's no denying its influence on animation, and it knocks all of its sequels and the TV spin-off clear out of the ball park.
#5. Bambi and Bambi II
Okay, I'm cheating a bit with these two. But in all honesty, I can't imagine one without the other. Not only do I like Bambi II (I deem it the best of all the Disney sequels and mid-quels), but I believe it fills in that "gap" in the first movie beautifully.
Who could forget Bambi's mother's death? Who isn't haunted to this day by the heartstopping bang of the gun and the pitiful sight of Bambi searching the snowy woods for his mother? Who didn't feel that phrase "your mother can't be with you anymore" like a sledgehammer between the eyes?
And who didn't get a serious whiplash when they immediately shifted to a nice, pretty scene of chirping birds and a positively corny song about springtime and love? I find myself sharing Friend Owl's dismay and oozing sarcasm about the whole scenario:
"Same thing every spring. Tweet-tweet! Tweet-tweet! Tweet-tweet! Tweet-tweet! Love's sweet song! Heh! Pain in the pinfeathers, I call it."
But with Bambi II, they not only slow down the pace and show the actual steps Bambi took to recovering from his loss, but we get a whole lot more of his distant father. The Great Prince gets only a few cameos in the first movie, but in the second, he's better fleshed out and he becomes so much more real. Patrick Stewart's voice is a huge plus, too.
So yeah, Bambi II isn't just a really good sequel with top-notch animation and music and voice acting, but it's that necessary link we've been missing all these years.
And aside from that jarring leap in the middle, Bambi tells a simple but profound story about love, danger, and growing up. How one thing lives, one thing dies, and the cycle repeats itself. And through it all, love is indeed a song that never ends.
And there you have it, folks. Now that I got this list out of my system, I can finally call it a night and catch some much-needed Zs.
T-T-F-N, ta-ta for now!
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