Christmas Humor - 12 Days of Christmas - 12

Dear Sir: 

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. 

The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. 

If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. 

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest. 

Cordially,

Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

(Merry Christmas, everybody!)

Christmas Humor - 12 Days of Christmas - 11

Listen, Idiot: 

Those eleven pipers have completely destroyed my house. The ladies will never dance again. The maids have been trampled. The cows lie in their own filth. All twenty-three birds are dead. 

I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. 

Your sworn enemy, 

Agnes

Christmas Humor - 12 Days of Christmas - 10

You creep!

Now I've got ten leaping lords chasing the ladies all over the place. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. 

The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm siccing the police on you.

One who means it, 

Agnes

Christmas Humor - 12 Days of Christmas - 9

Hey @#!?head:

What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there's nine ladies and they never stop dancing everywhere and breaking everything. The cows are all upset and stepping all over those screeching birds. 

The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours! 

Agnes

Christmas Humor - 12 Days of Christmas - 8

OK Buster, 

I think I prefer the birds. What will I do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those stupid birds, but those stupid girls had to bring their stupid cows. 

There's manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smarty. 

Agnes

Christmas Humor - 12 Days of Christmas - 7

John,

What's with you and the dang birds? Seven swans a-swimming, what kind of sick joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep.

IT'S NOT FUNNY! Stop with those freaking birds NOW!

Sincerely, 

Agnes

Christmas Humor - 12 Days of Christmas - 6 (and Happy Birthday!)

Dear John,

When I opened the door today there were six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh?

These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes

On a side note, happy birthday to big sister Christine and little brother Christopher, born on the same day four years apart!

Christmas Humor - 12 Days of Christmas - 5

Dearest John, 

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. 

Frankly, all those birds squawking are beginning to get on my nerves. 

All my love, 

Agnes

Christmas Humor - 12 Days of Christmas - 4

Dear John, 

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now, really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You are being too romantic. 

Affectionately, 

Agnes

Christmas Humor - 12 Days of Christmas - 3

Dear John, 

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest, I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens.

They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love,

Agnes

Christmas Humor - 12 Days of Christmas - 2

Dearest John, 

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. 

Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm so delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. 

All my love, 

Agnes

Christmas Humor - 12 Days of Christmas - 1

My dearest darling John, 

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real partridge in a pear tree? How can I ever express my pleasure? 

Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way. 

My love always, 

Agnes

100 Knock-Knock Jokes - 1 Through 20

Everybody loves a good joke, and some of the best (and worst) jokes just come knocking on your front door!

Don't knock it, dudes!

#1

Knock-knock!

 Who's there?

Dexter.

Dexter who?

"Dexter" halls with boughs of holly!

#2

Knock-knock!

 Who's there?

Justice.

Justice who? 

"Justice" once, will you do me this itty-bitty favor?

#3

Knock-knock!

 Who's there?

Issue.

Issue who?

Dude, cover your mouth when you sneeze!

#4

Knock-knock!

 Who's there?

Archers.

Archers who?

"Archers" aren't the most comfortable; would you prefer our sofa?

#5

Knock-knock!

 Who's there?

Icing.

Icing who? 

"Icing" so well; the birds are so jealous of me!

#6

Knock-knock!

 Who's there?

Mikey.

Mikey who?

"Mikey" is missing; can I borrow yours?

#7

Knock-knock!

 Who's there?

Robin Banks.

Robin Banks who?

I used to be Robin Bridges; now I'm Robin Banks!

#8

Knock-knock!

 Who's there?

Spell.

Spell who? 

Okay! W-H-O. There you go!

#9

Knock-knock!

 Who's there?

Dwayne.

Dwayne who?

"Dwayne" will go on all day; you'd better stay indoors!

#10

Knock-knock!

 Who's there?

Tennis.

Tennis who?

"Tennis" the first number with double digits!

#11

Knock-knock!

 Who's there?

Venice.

Venice who?

"Venice" it time to eat? I'm starving!

#12

Knock-knock!

 Who's there?

Seymour.

Seymour who?

"Seymour" evil, "hear-mour" evil, "speak-mour" evil!

#13

Knock-knock!

 Who's there?

Tooth.

Tooth who?

If the "tooth" hurts, ouch!

#14

Knock-knock!

 Who's there?

Police.

Police who? 

"Police" Navidad! "Police" Navidad!

 

#15

Knock-knock!

 Who's there?

Pasta.

Pasta who?

"Pasta" la vista, baby!

#16

Knock-knock!

 Who's there?

Boo-hoo.

Boo-hoo who?

Now you know how a ghost cries!

#17

Knock-knock!

 Who's there?

Violins.

Violins who?

"Violins" is never the answer!

#18

Knock-knock!

 Who's there?

Cinder.

Cinder who? 

This girl has overstayed her welcome; can we "cinder" home?

#19

Knock-knock!

 Who's there?

Olga.

Olga who?

"Olga" home if you're not nice to me!

#20

Knock-knock!

 Who's there?

Ears.

Ears who?

"Ears" lookin' at you, kiddo!