BMM 31 - Modern Major General

I am the very model of a modern Major-General
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral
I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical 

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical
About binomial theorem I am teeming with a lot o' news
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse

(With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse!
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse!
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypoten-potenuse!) 

I'm very good at integral and differential calculus
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General

(In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General!)

I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's
I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous 

I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies
I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of Aristophanes
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore 

(And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pina-Pinafore!) 

Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform
And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General 

(In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General!) 

In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin,"
When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin,
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat," 

When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery,
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery,
In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy,
You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee! 

(You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee!
You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee!
You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a, sat a gee!)

For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General 

(In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General!) 

From Wikipedia: "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General" (often referred to as the "Major-General's Song" or "Modern Major-General's Song") is a patter song from Gilbert and Sullivan's 1879 comic opera, The Pirates of Penzance. It has been called the most famous Gilbert and Sullivan patter song. Sung by Major-General Stanley at his first entrance, towards the end of Act I, the character introduces himself by presenting his resumé and admitting to a few shortcomings. The song satirizes the idea of the "modern" educated British Army officer of the latter 19th century. 

The song is replete with historical and cultural references, in which the Major-General describes his impressive and well-rounded education in non-military matters, but he says that his military knowledge has "only been brought down to the beginning of the century." The stage directions in the libretto state that at the end of each verse the Major-General is "bothered for a rhyme." Interpolated business occurs here, and in each case he finds a rhyme and finishes the verse with a flourish.

The piece is difficult to perform because of the fast pace and tongue-twisting nature of the lyrics.

My own thoughts: No doubt everyone's familiar with this song if not the entire musical. That one song where they sing as much as they can as fast as they can, and you get a little tired just listening to the whole thing and you can only imagine how much those poor, brave tongues must go through. 

But it's sure good for a laugh! 

Among the countless parodies out there, I tried my hand at one myself long, long ago (the year 2011, to be precise): Modern Major Mary Sue

And that's a wrap for another Musical May! Thank you, thank you, thank you!